The Tiger Scandal Awards
We unveil 'The Hydrants,' a nod to the highs and lows of this endless week
One week after the Crash heard round the world, welcome to the First and Last Annual (He Hopes) Tiger Woods Tabloid Scandal Awards, aka “The Hydrants.” (The name says so much, no?) More concerned with culture and media than the swelling stack of dirty laundry, the Hydrants honor and dishonor the good (must-see Youtube clips), bad (Donny Deutsch), and ugly (Tiger, meet Nancy Grace) of these seven surreal days.
The envelopes—kept in a mayonnaise jar outside Funk & Wagnalls porch—please!
Best Headline
New York Post. "Tiger Admits: I’m a Cheetah"
Best Headline We Never Saw
"Tiger: Say It Ain’t Ho"
Worst Headline
TigerWoods.com. "Tiger comments on current events." Current events? He said nothing about the Honduran congress' vote on ousted President Jose Manuel Zelaya and its potential ramifications on geo-political stability in Central America.
Worst Mea Culpa
Only about a third of Tiger's 316-word statement expresses remorse for his “transgressions.” Mostly, Woods blasts the media for making him feel "hounded." (Psst, Tiger. Maybe avoid the word "hound.") Mea Culpa? It was more of a "you-a" culpa.
"Maybe We'll Get Really Lucky and Tiger's Kid Will Crash His Big Wheel!"
The Culture Vulture Award goes to advertising consultant Laura Ries, a Wednesday guest on Fox News' The Factor. Bill O'Reilly asked her when L'affaire Tiger's shelf life will end. Soon, she said, but "luckily there's a lot more people that get in trouble."
It's Got a Good Beat and You Can Hit Balls to it
I give you the funniest musical work since Don Johnson cut an album. Enjoy.
He's Still Better than Chris Berman
MSNBC's Hardball host Chris Matthews needs to brush up on his golf play-by-play. On his Tuesday show he said that with this scandal, Tiger had hit a drive “into the next fairgrounds.”
“I’m Also Fascinated by Phil Mickelson’s Footwear”
The Overshare Award goes to CBSSports.com columnist Gregg Doyel, who wrote on December 3: “The sex life of Tiger Woods matters to me.” Also: “I’m fascinated by Tiger Woods’ sex life.” And: “[I]f it’s raining illicit information, what the hell. I’m going outside without an umbrella. Gonna get absolutely soaking wet.” Ohhhhh-kay?
Best Tiger Joke
Whoever came up with, "What’s the difference between a 9-iron and an Escalade? Tiger can back up a 9-iron."
Best Tasteless Tiger Joke (We Can Publish) From a Reader
From Golf.com reader Eric Weinberg in Los Angeles: "Elin could get so much in a divorce settlement, it'll make Heather Mills want to amputate her good leg."
David Letterman Impersonator Award
No, not Tiger. Since Letterman likely won’t touch this story with 10-foot intern, Late Show writer Eric Stangel pinch-hits on his Twitter page: “Tiger Woods hasn't given his version of how his face got scratched up. Here's some advice. Don’t blame the Gillette Fusion.”
Best Time-Killer When TMZ.com Crashes
Yes, I felt guilty playing this game. Yes, I forwarded it to several friends. You will too.
The Crystal Ball Award
The late Earl Woods saw this coming years ago, as reported in this excellent piece by the Chicago Tribune's Fred Mitchell. Said Earl: "Athletes and celebrities are human beings. They are going to have arguments with their wives or girlfriends. They are going to make mistakes in judgment."
The Smartest Skewering of Alleged Mistress Jaimee Grubbs
With "The Ballad of Jaimee Grubbs," New York Magazine’s Daily Intel blog brilliantly, bitchily puts the former Tool Academy contestant in her place. (Make sure to read the killer last line. It's like a birdie on 18.)
Maybe He Meant 'Appalling'
The "Say What?" Award goes to CNBC motormouth Donny Deutsch. Discussing Tiger’s endorsement deals Wednesday on CNN’s Larry King Live, Deutsch compared Woods’ apparent marital infidelities (admittedly ugly) to cases of alleged rape (Kobe Bryant) and alleged murder (Ray Lewis). He also said Tiger is now “more human” and "more appealing” to Madison Avenue because of the scandal. And if anyone knows from appealing, it's Donny Deutsch.
Did I miss any great, or not so great, moments? Post away. Do that for me, OK? Quickly. Huge. Now, I'm going outside without an umbrella. Gonna get absolutely soaking wet.
