10 LPGA Cost Cutting Suggestions

The LPGA recently announced that it will cut back on tournaments and purses in the 2009 season. That's a good start, but here are 10 more ideas to help the LPGA navigate these rough economic times:

1) Convert all water hazards into wishing wells.

2) Cut back on expensive translators by making all players learn English. (This one can't miss).

3) To attract a fan base that's more appealing to marketers, award bonus points to players based on how many 18- to 35-year-old males follow them per round.

4) Ask for a government bailout…everyone else is.

5) Add title sponsors for all the majors, not just the Kraft Nabisco Championship. We suggest the Hormell Spam U.S. Open, Frito-Lay LPGA Championship and Walkers Snacks British Open.

6) Hypnotize Annika Sorenstam into thinking she’s 25.

7) Forget the Masters Par-3 contest. How about the Evian Masters Wet T-Shirt contest?

8) Two words: Bake Sale.

9) Sell the naming rights to the Top-25 players. Annika becomes "Ann-Ikea," Lorena is "Amtrak's Ochoa Express," and Paula becomes "Coffee-Mate non dairy Creamer."

10) Get Michelle Wie to play in more than eight tournaments.

Paula Creamer brings out the earmuffs

Reasons Paula Creamer would wear earmuffs:

* Got tired of hearing every other dude in the gallery shout, "Paula, will you marry me?!"

* She'd rather stay warm with earmuffs than with pants that actually cover her legs.

* It's a little known fact that Paula likes to listen to Hannah Montana while she putts.

* Thought wearing pink, and hitting a pink golf ball, didn't bring enough attention.

* She's covering up an embarrassing tattoo of Tiger Woods as a hermit crab.

* Adds another spot for a sponsor.

* She doesn't have to change before her night shift on the tarmac at LaGuardia.

You have any ideas? Leave a comment below.

(Photo: Ahn Young-joon/AP)

British gov't spends $18,000 on golf balls! (So what?)

Bloody ’ell! That’s how some British members of parliament are reacting to the revelation that other MPs spent some $18,000 on custom-branded Titleist golf balls over the last three years, according to The Times of London.

The £12,030 bill emerged after a Tory MP ventured into the rough at his Surrey golf course and discovered a golf ball branded UK Trade and Investment (UKTI). Humfrey Malins, MP for Woking, asked the Department for Business, Enterprise and Regulatory Reform, which funds UKTI, to reveal the full extent of its spending on golf balls.

“It is a complete waste of taxpayers’ money,” said Mr. Malins, who captains the parliamentary golf team.

Parliament has a golf team?

“To think that the Government has been spending over £4,000 a year on golf balls is quite ridiculous,” Malins said.

When did investing £4,000 to boost a nation’s businesses become ridiculous? I know, I know. Golf balls are the issue here, but how would the UK's money be better spent? On binders full of mind-numbing promotional materials? On branded paperweights? On an endorsement deal with John Daly? No, nope, and no chance. You simply can't top golf’s lovable little sphere, which has been one of the most reliable marketing tools since the day a Scottish shepherd carved “O’Looney’s Lamb Chops” onto the side of a small, rounded rock. Malins, a golfer, should appreciate that.

Besides, 18 grand is nothing when you compare it to what our government spends on golf-related projects. According to the Pig Book, an annual accounting of pork-barrel spending, Uncle Sam this year alone sank $3 million into the The First Tee, the feel-good USGA initiative designed to attract underprivileged young people to the game through learning facilities and educational programs. That sounds like a noble enough cause to us golfers, but the Pig Book counters that “in the middle of the war on terrorism” the money would be better spent elsewhere.

Congress also approved $98,000 for renovations to the world-renowned Wakely Lodge Resort, site of a nine-hole public track in upstate New York. “The $19 greens fee,” the Pig Book sniffs, “is apparently not enough to cover renovations to the lodge.”

Delve into the PB’s 2000 edition and you’ll find another earmark sure to make John McCain’s skin crawl—a $1 million handout for construction of South Carolina’s Limehouse Bridge, which is “used by patrons of golf resorts on Kiawah and Seabrook Islands.” 

A Bridge to Nowhere? Nah, not with the Ocean Course on the other side.

All I want for Christmas is a Nicklaus course

Keep one thing in mind about the current financial downturn: The rich are still rich, they just have a little less money.

If you don't believe me, take a look at the Neiman Marcus Christmas Book. This fantasy Christmas list has everything I've ever wanted, including a Guinness Home Pub Package ($250,000) and a thoroughbred racing farm ($10 million). But my favorite is the Jack Nicklaus-designed three-hole backyard golf course for just $1 million. (Construction and site costs not included.)

Jack Nicklaus Custom Backyard Course Package
Go ahead, re-read it. Yes, THE Jack Nicklaus, Golfer of the Century turned world-renowned course designer. Yep, your very own custom-designed three-hole course. Uh-huh, for your backyard. Jack will study topography, aerial photos, and landscape maps for the site, then send his team to survey the property. He'll create a formal design plan and color renderings for up to three holes and a practice area, depending on the size of your back forty. Your construction crew builds from it, with supervision from Jack's world-class design team (the same team pursued by premier club owners worldwide). Now to sink the winning putt; when your course is finished, the Golden Bear himself will stop by to play the first round with you, personally. More? He'll sign his club and ball for your collection and throw in a custom set of Nicklaus clubs, including a personalized bag.

Drop your putter, dig your cell phone out of your golf bag, and call 1.877.9NM.GIFT.

Of course I may have to settle for the Golden Bear sweater vest.

*Here are some other backyard courses we may see in future catalogs:

The Arnold Palmer backyard course: Arnie hires another guy to design the course, but comes to your house when it's done with a couple cases of Rolling Rock and hangs out for the week.

The design purist backyard course: When the course is built, the designer tears down your house to improve the aesthetics of the course.

The Tiger Woods backyard course: Dubai residents only