Just imagine the movie pitch: flamboyant pro golfer rents house for a week to play a golf tournament and moves in with his friends. Everybody likes the place. Sure, maybe the doors creak, it’s strangely cold in the stairwell and the dog barks at nothing, but it's spacious and near the course. But then suddenly it becomes...The Hilton Head House of Horror. That’s what happened last week at Harbour Town when Ian Poulter rented a home there. He documented it all on Twitter.

At first everything is great. This place has it all: great kitchen, comfortable bed, good TV room.

When play starts on Thursday, life at the rental home is still groovy. Poulter shoots 2-under and his only concern is his hair.

However, things take a turn for the worse on Saturday, when Poulter shoots 75.

Suddenly, Poulter starts to think about finding another place to stay.

Then it hits him. Poulter knows one guy who ain't afraid of no ghosts.

That appears to be the end of the story, although Poulter leaves the door open for a sequel that could be big business in Asia.

As Japan’s Ryo Ishikawa deliberated over club selections and putting lines Thursday at the soggy WGC event at Doral, he had a far graver matter weighing on him: the 8.9 magnitude earthquake and ensuing tsunami that struck his homeland, killing hundreds. Ishikawa read of the devastation on his computer early Friday morning before finishing his weather-delayed first round, yet still managed to card a sterling seven-under-par 65, good for second place.

“If you can imagine, it's beyond being a distraction for me,” Ishikawa said after his round. “I'm worried for the whole country of Japan. The fact that I was finally able to communicate with my parents [who live in the Tokyo area] did help me feel so much better. I just tried focus, but it is a battle out there for me.

"It is not possible to block something of this magnitude out completely," he added. "But I understand that in the position that I am, together with the other star athletes from Japan and other sporting areas, we can provide encouragement and hope for the people of Japan by myself doing the job."

Government bailout of Tour event is imminent

D-day is fast approaching for the PGA Tour’s popular stop in Hilton Head, S.C. The event has been scrambling to find a title sponsor in the wake of Verizon’s withdrawal, and if that doesn’t happen soon, state legislators plan to take a dramatic step: a government bailout, according to Seanna Adcox at Bloomberg Businessweek:

A bill put on hold for debate on the House floor until at least March 29 is designed to save the springtime tradition, if that becomes necessary. The so-called skeleton bill has no details.

"The options are wide open," said its sponsor, GOP Rep. Bill Herbkersman of nearby Bluffton. "It's up on deck waiting."

Such a proposal would face stiff opposition from newly elected Republican Gov. Nikki Haley, who last year, as a gubernatorial candidate, railed against the prospect of loaning the Harbour Town tournament $10 million from the state's insurance reserve fund, “calling it a golf course bailout akin to federal government bailouts of car companies and banks.”

"The governor loves the Heritage, understands how critical it is to our economy, and is very focused on finding a sponsor. But let's be clear: Under no circumstances should the taxpayers of South Carolina front the costs of a golf tournament," said her spokesman Rob Godfrey.

Perhaps that should be left to the taxpayers to decide.

According to a Clemson University study commissioned by the tournament, it brings more than $80 million to the state in spectators' spending, jobs and other revenue, with more than 70 percent of spectators living outside Beaufort County.

The case for a Tour event in Detroit

In more encouraging tournament news, it seems historic Detroit Golf Club is in line to land a Cadillac-sponsored Tour event, which would be a boon to a city desperately in need of a lift. Having visited DGC last year, I can attest to the site’s credibility; it has two stellar Donald Ross courses, a stunning red brick clubhouse, and even its very own putter boy (below). The club also has as avid a membership as you could hope to find, a point noted by Carlos Monarrex in the Detroit Free Press:

But mostly, there is the club’s members: a fervent bunch of low-handicap golf nuts whose blood almost bleeds green. The club hosts a whopping 52 tournaments each year.

“I mean, we’re golf junkies,” said Todd Beals, the club’s chief operating officer. “We’re not Detroit Country Club. We’re Detroit Golf Club.”

Beals did not specifically discuss the possibility of the club hosting a Cadillac-sponsored tournament. But when he spoke about possibly hosting any PGA Tour event, he said, “It would be like an Elvis fan going to Graceland for our membership to have an event here.”

Coming to a spa near you: the golf-ball massage

First came oily hands. Then hot stones. And now ... golf balls? Yep, thanks to a new device invented by California massage therapist Heather Karr, masseuses can now loosen up their clients with a Titliest.

The idea of using a golf ball as a massage tool came about when a client asked her to use it on his back for deep-tissue massage. It was effective, she said, but after a while started to hurt her hand.

"The final design, which is made of hard plastic, allows the ball to roll around inside if you push lightly. If you push hard, the ball doesn't move, and you get really deep work. You can also move it in circles for cross-fiber work."

“Work the calve, please, Charlene. Nice. O.K., now a little to the right. Wait, is that a two-piece ball? I asked for the three-piece!”

At the end of November, Karr and her SPAball Kaddy were featured on an episode of the TV show "The Doctors" and since then, she says, sales of her products have taken off.

What’s next? The Srixon Spa?

Phil Mickelson’s 67 on the South Course at Torrey Pines on Thursday matched the best score of the day on the tougher of the facility’s two tracks. But the real Mickelson story was Amy, who is recovering from breast cancer but felt vigorous enough to follow her husband for 18 holes. That’s the first time she’s done that since the 2009 Masters, according The San Diego Star Tribune’s Tod Leonard, who caught up with Amy out on the course:

Looking fit and healthy, Amy Mickelson put her palm up to the bright blue sky, the Pacific Ocean glimmering in the distance, and said, “This is the most perfect, beautiful day. I don’t remember a more beautiful day out here.”

“This is huge for me,” she said. “It’s just so fun to be out here. Of course, I watched all of Phil’s rounds on TV, but it’s not the same as being here.

“I think going through cancer, you have to look at it not day by day, week to week. We have to look at how far we’ve come in a year. It’s a long road.”

Of having Amy in the gallery, Phil Mickelson said, “I forget how much I’ve missed having her out here.”

His scorecard showed it.

Grey Goose and Soda, meet Fuzzy and Tonic

Greg Norman has his own wine. So does Jack Nicklaus. And Arnold Palmer. And Ernie Els. And Annika Sorenstam. Fuzzy Zoeller? He’s a vodka man. At the Champions Skins Game in Hawaii—sponsored in part by Fuzzy’s Ultra Premium Vodka—Zoeller told Ann Miller of The Honolulu Star Advertiser how his label came to be: 

"It all started about five years ago," he said. "I was sitting in my office in southern Indiana. A lot of people had come to me to ask me to do wines. That wine business is so competitive, so many players have their own. I had to do something a little different because I'm a different type person."

A friend suggested vodka, and Frank Urban Zoeller, who now calls his drink of choice a Fuzzy and Tonic, jumped.

He found an American distillery that would make a private label and spent four years creating the taste he wanted. He did blind tastings at his club, which confirmed his belief.

Vodka tastings with the Fuz? Now there’s a prize for your next charity golf outing.

Gov’t appointee charged with finding sponsor for PGA Tour event

Parks and Rec departments assume all kinds of responsibilities, like maintaining historical sites, administering basketball leagues, and filling unsightly pits. South Carolina’s Department of Parks, Recreation and Tourism now has one other unusual duty: finding a sponsor for the Heritage, the beloved yet beleaguered PGA Tour event at Harbour Town Golf Links in Hilton Head. The governor of South Carolina, Nikki Haley, issued the mandate to new department head, Duane Parrish, a former hotel executive:

“She literally said, ‘You're the perfect person for the job, and we need a sponsor for the Heritage at Hilton Head,'” he said. “So I have my marching orders.”

Legislative proposals last year to borrow up to $10 million from the state Insurance Reserve Fund for the tournament or to allow local governments to collect a sales tax to pay for tourism-related projects failed to pass.

“The first priority we have given to Duane is we have to find a sponsor for that PGA event before June,” Gov. Haley said.

No pressure or anything.

Tweet of the Day

@stewartcink: Now that @Love3d has been named RC Captain, it's officially suck-up time! Tried to buy him dinner but he was too quick with the credit card.

Two ladies seated at a shaded table behind the 18th grandstand here at Harbour Town Golf Links weren't getting much business when I walked past Friday afternoon, and it made me feel embarrassed.

They were selling cookies to raise money to send boxes of cookies to American soldiers overseas as part of Treat the Troops, a non-profit program that was started by Hilton Head Island resident Jeanette Cram, who's been doing this since the first Gulf war. It's an all-volunteer effort to support U.S. soldiers.

Jeannette is the Cookie Lady, and her helpers are officially known as the Crumbs. Friday, her crumbs behind the 18th green were having only modest success convincing spectators to buy a homemade cookie for $1 or sponsor a box of homemade cookies to be mailed to soldiers.

Their sign featured photos and notes of thanks from soldiers. Here was one from the Seabees: "Our appreciation is beyond words. A single cookie is enough to make my fellow troops realize again why we are here."

Here's another from a soldier named Tim: "Today, you made a bunch of Marines smile."

A staff sargeant stationed in Afghanistan expressed his deep thanks and wrote, "I shared the cookies with my whole platoon!"

Cram and her Crumbs make the batter, bake the cookies, pack them and ship them to soliders stationed around the world. They also include notes and letters from those who donate.

One more note from a solider in Iraq: "There are solders here who go all year and don't receive a package. It makes a difference!"

For details, go to treatthetroops.org. It's a 501 (c) (3) charity. I spent my recent NCAA basketball pool winnings to sponsor some boxes. How about you?

Hilton Head is a party town. There are restaurants and bars all around the lighthouse, and a common sight on the course is the kid on spring break in flip-flops, drink in hand. It's not sloppy drinking, like you might see in the French Quarter in New Orleans or in Fort Lauderdale, but in Hilton Head the party starts early and ends late.

And then there's a world away, maybe a half-mile across a briny bay from the Hilton Head lighthouse, on the island called Daufuskie. Maybe you've read the Pat Conroy book, "The Water is Wide," about his experiences teaching on that island, long before golf ever came there. Now there are three courses on the island. It's a resort, but it's still a world away. There are no cars on the island, no bars, just a few restaurants -- and 63 holes of golf.

Matt Kuchar, the Tour player, took the small, charming water taxi to the island on Wednesday and played the Rees Jones course there. The brackish breeze on the trip over will clear the cobwebs. Maybe that helps one's golf, maybe it doesn't. No matter. A change of scenery is a good thing.

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Players, years ago, used to drive the Tour. Now, of course, they fly. In Florida, every so often, players will drive from one stop to another, but the Florida schedule has changed in the past couple years, so the well-worn paths have changed. There's only one tried-and-true drive left: Augusta to Hilton Head.

The Hilton Head tournament has followed the Masters for decades and every year there's a dozen or so players who make the drive from the Deep South to the Carolina Lowlands. There are many ways to go. One route is SC-78, through Bamberg, S.C., hometown of the great Mookie Wilson, the old New York Met.

It's a wonderful drive, miles of nothing and farms and little towns, and a reminder of what used to be and what, it's nice to find out, still is.

View route to Hilton Head through Bamberg, S.C.